Adin

So Adin and I have gotten a lot closer over the past few weeks. He is such an understanding person and I love it. I told him I wasn't ready to be in a relationship, and even though I told him not to he said he is going to wait for me. When I'm with him my mind goes blank, and I can just relax. I've never had that. It is so amazing to be able to just be myself with someone. I need more time to myself though before I try to be in another relationship because my feelings for Ben are still very strong. I saw my friend Katie the other day and she said that he still texts her all the time....that hurts. But then again I hurt him by leaving him. Whatever.

Summer Blues

I seriously just think I am supposed to be alone. No one makes me happy, or gives me butterflies... Relationships aren't supposed to be something you stress about or think about so much that you second guess yourself every day. So, I guess I will just stay single. I keep wanting to give people a chance because I feel as though they deserve one. But it always ends up with them falling in love with me, and me feeling nothing. The only exception was Ben. But he deserves better. Someone that doesn't second guess themselves, or worry about stupid crap. Someone that will love everything about him, and not want to change him. I don't think I will ever be able to get over him to be honest. There will always be a place in my heart for him, and I hope he knows that. I just hope he finds someone better. I want him to be happy.

The Tables Have Turned

I give up.

Mommy

In most teenage relationships the girl is usually the one that pushes the boy towards kids and marriage, but then again my relationship with Ben has never been normal. It's crazy to me that Ben would do absolutely anything for me in a heart beat, even though I would do the same for him. It's not that I am thinking down about myself, I just never thought I would meet someone that felt this way about me. Especially not this soon in my life. He wants to have kids with me...I can't stop thinking about that. We've talked about names, and about how we would make great parents. This is so insane because we are only 18, and I don't plan on having kids for many years. But I feel like he knows just how bad I want a child...how bad I have always wanted one. It gives me something to motivate me, something else to live for. Sometimes it scares me how clearly I can see myself holding a little blonde haired girl named Nevaeh. I have dreams about it all the time. Even on mind altering medications I daydream about my future with Ben.

I think what scares me the most is that I want to get pregnant, and that it wouldn't be a bad thing. I know for a fact that Ben would give that child everything its little heart desired, just like he does for me. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I can see myself with this boy for the rest of my life. I can see myself waking up next to him every day, and having children that look like us. I can even see us on our wedding day. He looks so handsome, and he can't stop smiling. I cry of course, like I am now just thinking about it. I guess only one question remains. If I can see all this, why do I keep ending it and running away?

Buckcherry

Yay for anti-depressants. They have been working very well, which is surprising. Ben and I have spent days together and we havent fought once. That shows how much better we are when we are on them. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing...I'm just happy we are doing well again. I've decided to try to go back to school, and I applied to EMCC again. I need to do something with my life. I just need to get my friggen license and STOP putting it off. Easier said than done. It's nice to be able to think clearly again, without all those negative thoughts buzzing around my head. I just don't know what I want to do now.

I could go to EMCC for Liberal Arts and then go out of state and try to be a vet-tech. It's going to be hard, but I really think I would love the job. Another choice is to be a Business major at EMCC and just work any job I can get in Maine until I really find something I want to do for sure. Choices choices choices.

Sick

It has been a very long time since I have been this sick. My whole body aches, and my throat is slowly getting worse. This is so not fun. I have to lay in bed alone and do nothing all day. I just wish Ben was here to cuddle and sleep with me. His arms around me would make everything feel so much better. I know I shouldn't complain about not seeing him. I mean, he's working and I just don't have a life. I need to get over it and stop bugging him. It's just things have been quiet around here, and I really miss him. It's still so crazy to me how the tables have turned over the years. I went from pushing him away, to dragging him closer. Haha. I am so crazy...especially when I'm sick. I just hope I'm not scaring him away. This is gonna sound stupid, but I still feel like something has changed between us. It's really scaring me because I can't figure out what it is. I just don't feel the same way when I'm with him...but I know it's not me. It's something about him...but I have no idea what it could be. Maybe I'm just crazier than I thought.

On a different note, I got a message from Kaylee tonight. It drives me so crazy to hear how her family treats her. They make fun of her for being gay, and put her down constantly. Even when she points it out to them, they just shove it aside like she doesn't matter. I'm the only person she has that supports her no matter what. No one sees what I do. She's made a lot of mistakes in her life, but who hasn't. At least she learns from them. That's more than I can say for most people. People need to learn respect.

Surprise

You know what would be nice? A surprise. Someone showing up at my house in the middle of the night and kidnapping me. Or just crawling into bed with me. Just anything...I have wanted that for so long. I'm so sick of asking for things. I just want people to do something nice for me without me having to ask for it. Am I asking too much? Probably...

I get my hopes up all the time when I ask friends to hang out and they say they will be over soon, then I sit up waiting for hours...and they never show. It sucks. That's another reason why nights are so hard for me...no one texts, calls, or anything. I'm completely alone. Luckily the anti-depressants are helping a little, but I need to get out of this rut. Hopefully going back to school with help.