Saturday, March 31, 2012


What if I'm just playing it safe? Ben and I have been together for so long that I don't even know what it feels like to be with someone else. He was my first for everything, so I trust him more than anyone on this planet. Sometimes I just wonder if we are meant to be, or if it's just comfortable for me. Things just seem so easy with him when we are together...we laugh, smile, and act like the rest of the world doesn't exist. I just can't help but wonder if there is someone else out there for me. I mean, I'm only 18 and I've been with the same person for years. I have years until I should even consider settling down with one person. At the same time, I can't imagine being with anyone else...he knows me so well and I don't know if I could ever trust anyone the way I trust him.

Thursday, March 29, 2012


After I graduated high school, I attended Husson University for only a semester. The school was way out of my price range, and I didn't feel comfortable there. Ever since I left, I have been trying to figure out what I want to go to school for. Easier said than done. There are so many things I am interested in, and none of them will give me a good salary. I keep changing my mind every 5 seconds, an I'm running out of time. I think I am just going to go for liberal arts out of state, and maybe minor in business. I could do a lot with that. The problem is I don't want to get bored of taking basic classes. I am hoping I can fit in classes that I enjoy learning about into my curriculum. I'm also worried about going to school out of state because I don't want to get too homesick. So many choices...

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

The Old You

You know what I miss the most? The way my boyfriend and I were when we were first together. I got butterflies every times I saw him, we had so much passion in every kiss, and every touch of his hand excited me. I was so innocent and nieve. We used to leave school during homeroom even though we weren't supposed to. He used to buy me monster energy drinks almost every day because it helped me stay awake during classes, and he knew how much I loved them. He still has all kinds of cute letters I wrote to him on nights I couldn't sleep. Things just seemed so much easier back then...we never fought, we were madly in love, and there was nothing negative about our relationship. To say that there still nothing negative about our relationship would be a lie. He's supposed to be on anti-depressants but he hasn't found the time to get more. Without them he acts completely different, and he always has negative energy which I feed off of. I have broken up with him enough times that he has begun to lose trust in me. We have both lied to each other about very stupid things, and we need to work past it. We just need to be positive instead of fighting and looking at the downside of things. Life is good, we are in love, and no one else matters.

Ultimate Failure

I am going to send out for my license sometime soon, but I can't help but think negatively about the test. I have failed so many things in the past year, that I have no hope left. I failed classes at Husson that I worked really hard at, I failed my permit test the first time I took it, and I failed my relationship. My positie outlook on life keeps dwindling. I'm hoping that some well needed time with my love will help my spirits. We both seem to be going through some frustrating times, so some quiet time with each other should help.

I need to go pack a suitcase for a couple days, but I don't seem to have any motivation today. I'm still nervous about spending time with Ben after I moved out. All of my friends told me that our relationship was unhealthy, and that I need to just remove him from my life. I tried not talking to him for 3 weeks, and every night I would dream of him. I couldn't just forget everything we had whether it was good or bad. I'm still not even sure if I have forgiven him, or myself. I love him...more than anything. I just don't know what to do anymore. All I know is that I don't want to be away from him right this just the honeymoon phase? How long will this happiness last? I know I shouldn't think so hard about it, but I can't just ignore it. I guess we will see what happens.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Blame It On The Changes

It has been months since I have been on here, and I have decided it's about time for me to start writing again. So much has changed since my high school years. I went to Husson University for a semester taking liberal arts, and it wasn't for me. I was going to transfer to Eastern Maine Community College, but it was too late in the school year. I got some very good grades at Husson, so my dad decided to buy me a new car. It's an '06 G6 Pontiac Coupe, and I am in love with her. The only problem is...I have no license yet. After I left Husson, I got pretty bored at home and started fighting with my dad. That's when I decided to try moving out of my house and into a near by town with some friends and my boyfriend. Before I moved in, he asked me to marry him. We have dated since I was a freshman in high school, and have been on and off since then. We have had many ups and downs and a lot of drama but after all of it, we somehow manage to stay together. When I moved in with them....things started going downhill. We fought a lot and things were very tense. After months of that, I called off the engagement and moved out. Now, I'm living at home again. Lately, I've been trying to work on myself before jumping back into a relationship. I've been working out every day, drinking water, and eating better. Things are looking up. The next thing on my checklist is to get my license so I can get a job.