Mommy

In most teenage relationships the girl is usually the one that pushes the boy towards kids and marriage, but then again my relationship with Ben has never been normal. It's crazy to me that Ben would do absolutely anything for me in a heart beat, even though I would do the same for him. It's not that I am thinking down about myself, I just never thought I would meet someone that felt this way about me. Especially not this soon in my life. He wants to have kids with me...I can't stop thinking about that. We've talked about names, and about how we would make great parents. This is so insane because we are only 18, and I don't plan on having kids for many years. But I feel like he knows just how bad I want a child...how bad I have always wanted one. It gives me something to motivate me, something else to live for. Sometimes it scares me how clearly I can see myself holding a little blonde haired girl named Nevaeh. I have dreams about it all the time. Even on mind altering medications I daydream about my future with Ben.

I think what scares me the most is that I want to get pregnant, and that it wouldn't be a bad thing. I know for a fact that Ben would give that child everything its little heart desired, just like he does for me. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I can see myself with this boy for the rest of my life. I can see myself waking up next to him every day, and having children that look like us. I can even see us on our wedding day. He looks so handsome, and he can't stop smiling. I cry of course, like I am now just thinking about it. I guess only one question remains. If I can see all this, why do I keep ending it and running away?

Buckcherry

Yay for anti-depressants. They have been working very well, which is surprising. Ben and I have spent days together and we havent fought once. That shows how much better we are when we are on them. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing...I'm just happy we are doing well again. I've decided to try to go back to school, and I applied to EMCC again. I need to do something with my life. I just need to get my friggen license and STOP putting it off. Easier said than done. It's nice to be able to think clearly again, without all those negative thoughts buzzing around my head. I just don't know what I want to do now.

I could go to EMCC for Liberal Arts and then go out of state and try to be a vet-tech. It's going to be hard, but I really think I would love the job. Another choice is to be a Business major at EMCC and just work any job I can get in Maine until I really find something I want to do for sure. Choices choices choices.

Sick

It has been a very long time since I have been this sick. My whole body aches, and my throat is slowly getting worse. This is so not fun. I have to lay in bed alone and do nothing all day. I just wish Ben was here to cuddle and sleep with me. His arms around me would make everything feel so much better. I know I shouldn't complain about not seeing him. I mean, he's working and I just don't have a life. I need to get over it and stop bugging him. It's just things have been quiet around here, and I really miss him. It's still so crazy to me how the tables have turned over the years. I went from pushing him away, to dragging him closer. Haha. I am so crazy...especially when I'm sick. I just hope I'm not scaring him away. This is gonna sound stupid, but I still feel like something has changed between us. It's really scaring me because I can't figure out what it is. I just don't feel the same way when I'm with him...but I know it's not me. It's something about him...but I have no idea what it could be. Maybe I'm just crazier than I thought.

On a different note, I got a message from Kaylee tonight. It drives me so crazy to hear how her family treats her. They make fun of her for being gay, and put her down constantly. Even when she points it out to them, they just shove it aside like she doesn't matter. I'm the only person she has that supports her no matter what. No one sees what I do. She's made a lot of mistakes in her life, but who hasn't. At least she learns from them. That's more than I can say for most people. People need to learn respect.

Surprise

You know what would be nice? A surprise. Someone showing up at my house in the middle of the night and kidnapping me. Or just crawling into bed with me. Just anything...I have wanted that for so long. I'm so sick of asking for things. I just want people to do something nice for me without me having to ask for it. Am I asking too much? Probably...

I get my hopes up all the time when I ask friends to hang out and they say they will be over soon, then I sit up waiting for hours...and they never show. It sucks. That's another reason why nights are so hard for me...no one texts, calls, or anything. I'm completely alone. Luckily the anti-depressants are helping a little, but I need to get out of this rut. Hopefully going back to school with help.

Fib

You might as well fall off the planet if you lie to me. There is nothing I hate more than someone lying straight to my face. I have been lied to so many times by people I trust...its leaving scars. I am sitting at the  bottom of the ocean, with my last seconds of air left in my lungs. Is anyone going to try to save me? Or are people going to continue to hold me under? I used to think I was worth saving...but not anymore. I have come to hate or not trust most people, and it's horrible. I just want to tell everyone to GO FUCK THEMSELVES because I don't want or need to deal with their bullshit anymore. I have my own problems, and if you want to call me selfish go right ahead. I've helped everyone for my whole life, and for once I want to take care of myself. I want to do what's best for me, and if you aren't it say goodbye. The problem is now to decide who stays and goes. The amount of anger I have scares me, and I still have no idea what to do with it. Eventually I'm not going to be able to contain it anymore...and something bad is gonna happen. For fucks sake people, just be honest with me. Don't I at least deserve that?

Soundtrack

Every song in my Itunes has a memory. Most of the songs I listen to remind me of Ben. Let me give you a few examples.
1. Blame It On The Changes by Dashboard Confessional. I remember laying on my bed in my dorm room at Husson. My roommate was gone, so we had a chance to cuddle and relax. I remember how stressed I was, but when I was with him it was like all of it didn't matter. This song was on repeat.
2. Addicted by Saving Abel. This song ALWAYS came on the radio while we were together. Ben would  always turn it up and laugh. It makes me remember all of the time we've spent in a vehicle, just trying to get away for a while.
3. Twisted by Carrie Underwood. This was Ben's theme song for a long time when we first met. Everyone told me to stay away from him, and I didn't want to. His brothers don't exactly have the best reputation, so everyone thought he was the same. This song describes the situation perfectly, and honestly it still does.
4. Slow Down by The Academy Is. This song reminds me of Ben when we first started to get close. Things were so innocent, and wonderful. We used to talk for hours on the phone, and I remember hearing this song in the background. I've never felt that way about anyone...being able to talk to them for days and days without stopping, and never running out of things to say.
5. The Only Exception by Paramore. The night of my 16th birthday. It seems like so long ago it's crazy...but it honestly feels like just yesterday. That was the night I trusted him enough to give him everything. It felt so right. Nothing in my life has ever felt so right. Like it was meant to happen....

Struggle

It feels like hell. There is nothing in the world that can make you happy, including your loved ones. Sure you have a few moments where something makes you smile or laugh, but other than that you suffer through hours of sadness, hate, and emptiness. In the past month I have considered harming myself physically many times. The strange thing is, one of my biggest fears is drowning but yet thats how I keep imaging myself ending it all. What frustrates me more than anything is that I try to be happy, and I just can't be. Even while I'm with people I haven't seen in weeks, the happiness I feel lasts only momentarily. It makes me feel horrible because I know I should be happy...

Lately, I've been masking my sadness with anger unintentionally. Sometimes the anger just bursts out before I can stop myself. I get stuck in certain moods, and it is so hard for me to get out of them. I just want to go somewhere away from everyone so they don't have to see me like this. For now, I can just looses myself in sleep and Minecraft.

Unconditional

I am so amazed by how much Ben has helped make me who I am. I used to be so uncomfortable with myself, and didn't trust anyone. When he came into my life I was very cautious, and it took me years to let him in. We worked on it together because he never let anyone in either. Today, we tell each other everything and he reads me like a book sometimes. I just feel so relaxed and comfortable when I'm around him because I know he loves me for who I am, and there is nothing I could do to change that. He knew last night that something was on my mind because my hands were balled up in my sweatshirt sleeves...who else would've noticed that? That boy knows me better than anyone I have ever met, and I love it. He calls me perfect, and I can see in his eyes that he really means it. This is why I love him.