Mommy

In most teenage relationships the girl is usually the one that pushes the boy towards kids and marriage, but then again my relationship with Ben has never been normal. It's crazy to me that Ben would do absolutely anything for me in a heart beat, even though I would do the same for him. It's not that I am thinking down about myself, I just never thought I would meet someone that felt this way about me. Especially not this soon in my life. He wants to have kids with me...I can't stop thinking about that. We've talked about names, and about how we would make great parents. This is so insane because we are only 18, and I don't plan on having kids for many years. But I feel like he knows just how bad I want a child...how bad I have always wanted one. It gives me something to motivate me, something else to live for. Sometimes it scares me how clearly I can see myself holding a little blonde haired girl named Nevaeh. I have dreams about it all the time. Even on mind altering medications I daydream about my future with Ben.

I think what scares me the most is that I want to get pregnant, and that it wouldn't be a bad thing. I know for a fact that Ben would give that child everything its little heart desired, just like he does for me. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I can see myself with this boy for the rest of my life. I can see myself waking up next to him every day, and having children that look like us. I can even see us on our wedding day. He looks so handsome, and he can't stop smiling. I cry of course, like I am now just thinking about it. I guess only one question remains. If I can see all this, why do I keep ending it and running away?